Poem about my experience with Chronic Pain

Sharing something I wrote a few years ago to express my experience with chronic pain
——-*

Description a failed prescription
A long ass poem about
Living with chronic pain
By: Maureen BZ
October 2016.

MBZ 2020

~
Hello...
I'm not glaring at you
Or staring . I'm just
Trying
To hold it together
And not crumble or shout.
Not always successful

But there's a reason
For this epic case
Of
Resting
Bitch
Face

You can't really see
I carry evil in me

And it's not a Goth phase.

(I had that LONG ago)

I'm
Not a witch
But Absolutely a Bitch...because
I live with
Ever present
Every day
Every moment

Chronic pain

how does it feel?
to be in
constant
Intractable
searing pain?

These days?
With the opioid witch hunt?

It's like ....
having someone constantly stabbing you with an electrified glass needleblade
while shrieking at a rancid pitch,

all the while

being pointed at by
lipsticksmear judgy- judges
(who don't know their fingertips from their kneecaps)
And in the center of this,
holding the KNOWLEDGE
Deep down in your pelvic floor

That one of these days
With no foreshadow
 (With much foreboding)

Those shitty chemicals that
Keep you from writhing
In agony (not ecstasy)

Could most certainly become
INSTANTLY FORBIDDEN
And your now habituated cells would screech
and howl
whilst hurling ITS
Angry CLAWS
Towards your shoulder

(at least That's
what you imagine...
On a good day...
When you can still
make your thoughts
like magic school bus cartoons
In your fog addled head)

And you stick THAT upon
The always already already there
Little
screaming
 needleblade stabbing electrified cunt that never
shuts the floop up...
Sitting on your shoulder
Stabbing and screeching
Screeching and stabbing

All night long raaaaaaaah
Stab stab stab
All day long rheeeeeeee
Stab stab stab
During Breakfast Lunch Dinner
Snacks
Brunch...
Stab stab stab

And the hissing!
Oh the hissing.

With friends family and strangers
Just trying to help
Truly, they try. I get it, it's hard watching suffering.
And honestly I'm grateful for
The support but if I have to
Explain
And list all of the things I've already tried
Again....
I may go stark maving rad.

I'm thinking of making postcards explaining what things I've already tried....
Maybe you just need to go to get
Accupuncture?
Pug leese!
That's Baby stuff

Or else it's
A massage
A glass of wine
One of those wonderbras
This new therapy
This old therapy
Aqua aerobics
Tungsten
This book of spells
That type of arnica
CBD
THC
LSD
LMNOP

An IV
of pond algae
A thousand bee stings
A shrink With Wings
Eat only blue things

Some new kind of kick
Smoking grass on a stick
Another blood prick
Did I mention I'm sick?

(Could not resist)
A wedge pillow
A back brace
Yeah that didn't work either

How about:
Some math?
Two dozen needles filled with
5mg glucose In
24 gauge needles puncturing
3.5 mm into my back
making
9 millimeter diameter
Beady glucose pellets
Spattered across my back
or was it three dozen?
Three times a week
Which added up to....
Zero. Niente
But OMFG was ex
Pen
Sive!

You'll feel better when you take
This supplement
When you do
This stretch
When you move into

A new house
(But not too new...
Off gassing, you know.)

New shoes will always help.
New shoes will always help.
New shoes it's my grandfathers ghost, selling me shoes from
The dead?
Ok, that must be my DNA
Cause I've had that tested too.
I already knew
That I am from shoe people
Beside the point

I digress...
It's a coping habit...
I'm talking myself off the ledge
No you don't want to crash
The car into a tree...
Can't imagine being that selfish
Could never hurt my family
My loves
because I'm feeling cowardly toward the pain.
(The tree thing is not an option)

Oh. I try not to claim it-
It's not mine, I don't want it.
It is THE
( muthafukkin) PAIN.

And yeah
I'm Sick
Sick of having episodes
Of panic
Fear that it will be harder than it
Already is
Because I'm not sure
I will be able to handle the pain unmasked.

But...
I feel like I have to face it
Head on.
Say, hello Pain. Howdy do.
I feel like I already know you
I do.
And let's just bet
That fucker pain
Will be an ugly piece of shiz

That I will have to learn to accept
I just hope to hell
It doesn't break me.
~~~~
MBZ


NOTE: this was originally written in 2016, just before I found a shoulder Dr who eventually agreed to do exploratory laparoscopic surgery to be certain that the multiple MRIs, exams and tests Had not missed anything that would cause pain.He was “98% certain “ that he would go into the shoulder and find nothing. THANKFULLY that 2% did the trick... my shoulder in fact was so severely shredded that it wasn’t showing up on anything- but in the end, I had a shredded bicep tendon with complex nerve entrapment. It took the surgeon TEN MINUTES to fix.after I had endured EIGHT YEARS of constant searing pain!
It has been almost three years since I had my shoulder surgery. While I’m still dealing with chronic pain, it has been greatly reduced. About a year and a half ago I even was able to return to the stable and start riding again! ( it’s been a Godsend!)
There is hope. Tomorrow is another start.
Best wishes - Maureen BZ

Pain with a side of Crabby patties

Rant..
How I wish that I knew why I am still in pain.
The Back story
It's been 2 1/2 years now  since my arm started throbbing- and then lost feeling. oh, followed by acid glass fire stabbing PAIN in my neck like I can't believe. poke poke stab....
WTF was that? that was 2 ruptured discs. Had the surgery. (Dec 2011) "double discectomy surgical fusion".
I went out of my way to find the "#1 neurosurgeon for neck issues"- you know, laid out all my info- waited an extra 3 months just to get an appointment then waited another 2 months to get on the surgical schedule.  I went to that day like a bride to the alter- nervous, yes, but also very eager to have it finally done, so I could start my life (Pain free!!) and be the Maureen that I know myself to be, when I'm not distracted by this poke poke stab stab of acid glass knife pain.

Woke to a "Successful"surgery declaration. X rays looked great, Doc was happy, sent me home, no brace, no pt, just a bottle of pills and an order to come to see him in a week. OK. So I just decided right there something was a bit...casual.
I bought a soft collar (to make myself feel more secure) and once I felt up to it called the Surgeon and asked if I could try PT- his response was a bland, "well, if you think you want to..." (and I thought, "what, think I want to have feeling back in my arm, or be able to turn my head, or not be in pain MotherF8cker??!!")OY. Now I knew the doc had some talent for cutting, but the bedside manner thingy? Nope, that part was missing. It was all I could do not to start screaming at him about how badly I was feeling- in front of all of his patients-- I know my temper can get red hot so I stopped before I got going- I did NOT want to get an assault charge!

Fast forward, 1 1/2 years later--->
Thankfully, my MRIs look good, the Drs (I've been to many more at this point) have all ruled out fibro/RSD (my sister has that terrible disease)
I am just struggling. I remind myself to take care of myself, to embrace my creative spirit and continue to create. I envision Frida Khalo in her full body cast, painting in bed. I understand why she did what she did. How can you suppress your spirit when your body is just a cage? Yes, you have to take care of the cage-I remind myself to stop and nap- sometimes (like today) I stay in bed all day to catch up on sleep that eludes me during the pain filled nights. You do what you can. there is no escape. what does it mean to have chronic pain? I live with constant (nothing has to happen for the pain to be triggered) grade 7-9 pain daily from wake to final embattled sleep (which doesn't come for days in a row) EVEN while on major narcotics- patches- EVEN acupuncture- EVEN Physical Therapy- Massage, etc etc..can't a gal catch a break? nope

To all my friends who are living with chronic pain-
How about you? did you go through hell and high water to get a diagnosis? or is this just the way it goes- we sit in limbo, scared to death about all of the news reports about pain killer overdoses and deaths.. scared that our lives will never be "normal" again? Oh, then we have to find peace with that onerous term, "the new normal"  UGH! I guess I ate some crabby patties today, but man, this sh*t is getting old!

thanks for all of your support-
for this, I am so grateful
ciao- Maureen

Chronic pain and depression

I've got to fight the depression that is presently trying to invade my head. It is very hard to remain positive when I am having constant intense pain every waking moment.
 I've dealt with depression before- and know that it can really take a hold on me- making life more miserable than anything. I really don't want to go there.
So- I'm scaling back on some things- trying to type less and rest my hands more (I have numbness and pain in both hands these days....constantly) I will be doing more artwork and less production jewelery. My time has become more precious.
And I have to cut this post short because my hands are going numb while typing. Once numbness kicks in the pain starts to descend...
It's a terrible cycle- I'm going to break it! It cannot break me!
don't worry, I will slay this Dragon
Peace, Love and Gratitude- Maureen

Musical Cure

Once again a post about my health issues.
(but I'm giving you a great song to listen to and watch while I whine) :-)

I am a new-ish chronic pain patient- people who have read my posts have been hearing of my issues for a bit less than 2 years now.

I am working on getting my 4th and 5th opinion- today at the new Neurologist, then in 2 weeks at a Dr who is known as a "fabulous diagnostician."

Everyone says the same thing- I am now a "chronic pain patient"- my pain is due to severe nerve damage due to years of compression from bulging discs and compressed vertebrae. It is Nerve pain- not muscle, (which I have been saying all this time) and that really there isn't much they can do other than burn off the nerve roots every year or so and manage my pain with meds, exercise and good nutrition.

I'm the perfect model of a medical marijuana patient as well- It is a badge I have no shame about- and I am open about my status with anyone who counts. I have to use whatever works- and MM is one of the only things I've found that helps me find some comfort- Without killing my stomach. I never smoke before driving or being with my son or his friends. Responsible is really my middle name.

Yes, I know what kind of pain I have. I know my talking about my pain in the neck can be a real pain in the neck.  I'm sorry, I just can't help complaining- especially when the pain gets this bad. Like today, where I haven't slept a full night in 5 days.

I try to keep it positive by scheduling things that I will look forward to, like concerts!

Last night I at least had a respite from the agony, and went to a fantastic concert by the Shins, one of my favorite "go to" bands. Here is a video of them performing "Know your Onion" at the concert last night. (link is here too:  Shins Concert- "Know your Onion")

A special shout out also to my date for the night, Eric Fest- my BFF's hubby who also happens to be a friend of mine too. Eric is a big alt music fan too and is filling in the gap that is left by my hubby Guido's refusal to come to any concerts with me. In Guido's defense, he has a hearing condition that makes going to concerts with electrified instruments particularly painful.
Hey, I KNOW about pain. I get it- you do what you have to do to relieve yourself of the pain- including leaving concerts. (I know now not to spend the money on a ticket for him- I get it for a friend instead!

So I'll just keep on looking at coming attractions- I know that the Rialto theater in Tucson is scheduling some great concerts- Tegan and Sarah are coming in a few months, as is Sleigh Bells and Aimee Mann. (I think I'll go to T and S)
I promise to not bore you too much about my nerve pain- or, at least when I complain I'll also post a pretty picture or video to balance out the whine :-\

thanks for all of your support!
ciao- Maureen

Wheat free? Me?

After having 2 years of intense chronic pain (and going through a myriad of painful treatments and surgery) my Dr finally told me to try wheat free.
OK, I'll fess up- She HAD mentioned it before, a few times but I resisted mostly I thought it would be difficult (as I am married to a real life in the flesh Florentine Italian who is truly in love with his pasta and bread...and is thin as a rail at 50 years old) Plus she hadn't really told me to do it- she had just suggested.
Honestly, I am very diet resistant due to my lifetime of always being a bit on the pudgy side (unless I was starving myself, like one year in High School that I actually became skeletal and sick) At 5'1" a pound doesn't have many places to hide- Over the years I had pretty much resigned myself to thinking that unless I really suffered and dieted I was always going to be shaped like a Pug, never a Whippet.
Well, back to the Wheat free- I am so desperate to feel better that I've decided to really give wheat free a good try. I stopped eating wheat since the moment my Dr told me I should (about 8 days ago)
And I'm honestly surprised at how easy this shift has been for me.
I think having a few friends who have wheat allergies/Celiac disease Does help me. I have for years kept mental notes about new gluten free stuff I see and now (that I have my nifty Iphone) I often will shoot them a photo of a great gluten free Menu. I have in effect already done my shopping.
AND I've done my shopping. First day ASAP I went to Trader Joes and did a Gluten free shopping trip. Piece O'(gluten free) cake! My friends had told me about the "only good Gluten free bread out there" Udi's bread (it's not bad!) and I found many other good alternatives- for Cereal and pasta too.

I have always had a terrible time waking up- I would fall back to sleep in a second- deep in a hazy waking slumber. But today I woke a full hour before my early morning alarm- with a refreshed feeling that I don't ever recall having in the morning. EVER! Oh, and then I went about my day on MINIMAL pain medications (until 5 pm when the day's activities took their toll). Do I think it was because of the lack of wheat? Honestly, I'm too much of a cynic to jump on the bandwagon so soon...but I'm cautiously optimistic about this change in diet. Oh, and if I start losing my pudge? I would be OH SO SOLD on a wheat free future.
Stay tuned- I'll surely revisit this topic again in the near future. Meanwhile, I will be reading a new book that I just bought on the interwebs: "Wheat Belly" by Dr William Davis . I'll do a review once I've read it. (warning: I am a slow reader- I like to savor and digest what is written. For current reviews you can check the book's Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/Wheat-Belly-Lose-Weight-Health/dp/1609611543 )

Metalsmithing Org (no dot)

As many of you know I am out of commission right now due to a painful nerve condition in my neck and shoulder. I AM going in tomorrow for the installation of a test for the spinal cord stimulator which is supposed to be a very successful treatment, so we are very hopeful that I will find relief and be able to get back to my life soon.

newly bundled student tools and some tools awaiting the bundling.
I love this fab Mexican Oil cloth - totally easy to clean and great to look at!

One of the things I am looking forward to doing is Teaching. I have not had a class for a few years now, and I really miss it! One of my big problems is getting a larger class together on the time frame that Tucson Parks and Rec has scheduled (Monday mornings?!!) . It's not an easy time to fill, and I totally understand, I think I would not want to take a leisure class on early Monday morning either!
So-

I've decided to take my show on the road and offer much smaller classes (3-4 students) on a much easier time commitment (whenever it fits into your schedule- for 4 hours at a time, within 5 miles from the U of A in central Tucson-). I will offer these mini classes to my friends and Facebook friends- They are meant to be fun activities for you and a couple of your close friends to get together and try over a glass of wine and loaf of bread.
Have a short class, make a pendant, chat, visit and learn something new.



Meanwhile I'm on the threshold of healing from this awful pain- I get a trial run of the spinal cord stimulator tomorrow and possibly will have a full install within a month or so.  While I am working on my health and re-gaining my strength I will be organizing my tools in preparation for my next phase of my career in metalsmithing.
This week I spent sewing some tool folders and color coding my tools-
Blue red green yellow are student tool packs.
Orange? Pewter.
White? studio tools.

Lime Green? Those tools are MINE!! (keep yer filthy mitts off of them!)

Ciao, Arrivederci, so long, fare well...
May the flux be with you
MBZ

Musings...

Heading to the hand/shoulder
expert on Monday-
cross fingers they will figure this out
ASAP.
Meanwhile, it's ice
every night and most of the day.
I believe I am turning into permafrost
or the tundra,
but where are the stinkin' reindeer?
*









Maureen Brusa Zappellini
Creative jewelry for creative people
http://cosmosmoonjewelry.etsy.com

Drinking Ironic Tonic

Well, the universe has a sense of humor. You may know that I've been struggling with chronic pain in my left shoulder and neck for the past year and a half, and how I've recently decided to try taking a break from the studio in order to really search for a cure and give my shoulder a break...

Now, I will admit, keeping me from the studio has proven to be almost impossible- One of my great joys in life is the hours of studio time I fit into my day. (In fact you could say I fit my days into my studio time..) I have come to realize that in order to keep from getting too depressed about my condition I really NEED to be in the Satori mind- the creative process and creative spirit support me: they are as vital to my health as breathing.

So- I've been puttering around my studio, but only doing no impact (no hammers) work....I was starting to think, "I can just make things that my body will let me make" and have been putting together a group of 8 pieces, which are almost finished..(image shows one of the pieces) I made them with almost no handtools, because my shoulder won't let me do much with my left hand.

Then, very unexpectedly, I won the Orchid Raffle!

What is Orchid?
Orchid is the social media (email q+a and discussions about metalsmithing) of one of the original metalsmithing websites, " Ganoksin.com "- I have been using this site since '98, when I first discovered it (I looked up how to make granules for granulation, an ancient metalsmithing technique)
Ganoksin is an incredible resource for the metalsmithing and jewelry community- It must have close to a million pages by now.... If you have never spent a few hours looking through Ganoksin I encourage you to try it- It's packed with information and eye candy.
"Orchid" is the name of the email forum in Ganoksin. 

Every year they raise funds by having a raffle- and every year I buy one or two tickets. I really love the metalsmithing community and believe in supporting our core services. This year I bought a ticket "early", in November, when flooding was at it's worst in Bangkok, Ganoksin's base. And this year...I won!

I ended up winning the grand prize, a very generous gift certificate for Rio Grande - one of the largest sellers of tools and supplies for the metalsmithing world!

And I still am in pain, and I still cannot do hardly anything- Whatever tools I get with the winnings are going to have to take me to a no impact studio. I'm thinking electro forming and torch- No stakes for me- I cannot use them now- (not even to kill vampires)

All the tools you want and no ability to use them now?
Karma is feeding me a little Ironic Tonic.
In any case, I am truly thankful for my incredible luck. The raffle winnings are a dream of any metalsmith- I am filled with Gratitude. Thank you Ganoksin! Thank You Rio Grande!!
and Thanks to my friends and family who have been so supportive
ciao- Maureen

X Ray

Well, I've won x-rays for my shoulder. Had to point out to my Neuro that nobody had done that yet.
what's going on??
There are a few theories...simplest being that there is something going on in my shoulder (that's making it crazy hard to concentrate on anything but pain....) The possible red herring is that I have carpal tunnel (which I have known for years, and haven't really been bothered by it) Dr said that it is rare but possible that the nerve is "backfiring" into the shoulder, causing pain that originates from the wrist but is active in the shoulder..
So- I'm going to go get another dose of radiation, and hopefully they'll look at my xray and say
Ah HAH!
fingers crossed xx

Taking a break from jewelry

Hi there friends-
most of you know that I am currently dealing with nerve pain issues in my left arm/hand/neck. I have been fighting for 1 1/2 years with intense constant pain in my neck, left arm and hand and have been pursuing conventional treatments in western medicine as well as alternative methods for pain treatment.

After over a year of therapies and failures I had surgery on my neck in December, to fuse three vertebrae and remove ruptured discs. I have a titanium plate now that keeps that part of my neck stable. The Neurosurgeons told me that the surgery would resolve the pain issues and I would be back on my game within 5-6 weeks, tops.

Well, unfortunately the pain is still there, and in fact has become much more intense. There is no posture I can take to find relief, and the pain is constant, beginning in the morning 2 hours after I wake, continuing until I finally fall to sleep late into the night, if not at dawn.

I am literally having to drug and heat and ice myself to sleep.

(you can see the scar on my neck in this pic)

One thing I had never thought of before- It is almost impossible to fall asleep if you are in acute pain: Your brain feels the pain and signals a flight response from the body- You tense up, ready to flee- which of course you cannot do, as the pain is coming from the inside. I just had never encountered this before- never have had such a constant ache. At this point I figure I've not had a pain free moment for almost 4 months. It's nuts!
LOOK- I'm not writing  this to be dramatic or scare anyone- I'm just trying to capture what I'm living through, so that people can try to understand chronic pain. Oh, and yes, I know I'm a "Newbie" in the chronic pain community- I believe this gives me a way to write in the contrast living with/out pain; it's New to me, so sometimes fresh experiences are particularly focused.

One thing that I'm really struggling with is that I have a really strong desire to work- and I find that I cannot work in my studio for more than about 1/2 hour without having a flare up of intensity to the pain.
So Sadly, I am coming to the realization that I have to take a break. At least until I find some solution to this pain. I am slowing down my studio practice to a snails pace, and will only do minimal metalwork, if any for the next ?? period of time, until I can find a way to work pain free once again.

This decision is brutally difficult for me- I have cloaked myself in metalsmithing for 25+ years, creating in the studio on a daily basis. However, I can't continue at the same pace, and believe that I can find satisfaction in shifting directions in my creative life.

So- for now at least- "Working small" in traditional jewelry is slowly being put on hold, and I will be looking into other paths to satisfy my need to create. I have an open book ahead of me, and a bunch of crazy ideas and design explorations that are taking shape. I will be on walkabout in my wilderness.

And what is in stock in my etsy shop is pretty much going to be all of the traditional jewelry I will have for sale. I'm not saying it's over- I just need a break.

Thanks for reading- I'll keep posting!
ciao- Maureen

P. I. T. N.

OK, I just have to say, this adventure with chronic pain is kicking my ass. Ironically, it's not a pain in the ass that I have-- it is (literally) a pain in the neck.

Theory is that I must have started the neck damage as a little pixie- I must have knocked my neck out of alignment when falling off the sneaky little ponies that I clung to  while learning how to negotiate cavaletti and crossrails (it's a horse thing, poles on the ground and a little jump)

I had spinal surgery Dec 8- to repair the damaged discs and cluttered vertebrae that have been plaguing my well being for many years now.  I was under the impression that this was a much faster healing surgery than it now seems like it will be. I'm miffed. I really feel lied to- I was told that I'd be 5-6 weeks tops out of regular activity, then I could play tennis or whatever. Well, don't laugh, I do actually play tennis- (I suck getting to the ball on time, but have a pretty good backhand)

I digress.. So, it's now almost 2 full months past surgery and I'm STILL in more pain than before the surgery. I'm getting a taste of living with chronic pain. and it ain't purty.

The worst is at night- when you are just there alone with your thoughts, trying to fall asleep..... and then reeee reee kreee kerreeeeek! your shoulder starts zinging and your arm shoots with electric pulses from shoddy pinched and frayed nerves. It's like that mosquito in the cabin, or the drip drip drip of the faucet... it's crazy making. And it keeps you awake.





So, you lay there thinking, "hmm, is this just a temporary pain, will it go away?" and "is this really that bad? (why am I tensing up so much?)" which ultimately leads to " I probably need to take some pain meds- get ahead of the pain....but, do I really need to?"

this conversation goes on and on, you get up...walk to kitchen, have water- get ice pack- back to bed, icepack in your neckbrace, oh that feels better, I bet I fall asleep now.....ok, sleep time, get the right pillow, move the dog over, pull up blankets... shhhhhhhh.......


reee reee reeeh hkerrreek kreee......

Oy vey.
This really is a pain in the neck.

I'm laughing, otherwise I'd cry. Thankfully, my family is really supportive, and I don't have to go work for anyone else (though I've had to cut down on the goldsmithing for hire jobs for now) I can't imagine having to deal with this AND try to hold down a 9-5 job. Don't get me wrong- I'm still working daily in my studio and office- but I make the rules, #1 being that I call the shots, and if there is a day when I need to goof off, I goof off. Oh, and if I had to deal with the general public everyday I think I'd be the nastiest bitch on the face of the earth. (count your lucky stars)

So- in summary...
Ponies are sneaky.
Surgeons lie *cough* stretch the truth re: recovery rates.
Yeah, I play tennis and I'm 5'1"and no, you really don't want me as your doubles partner.
Chronic pain is butt ugly.
and annoying, especially at night.
Your thoughts go to 11 when you are contemplating sleep strategies while in a bout of insomnia.
Nerve pain feels like electric shards and aching rivers of green sludge.
You should be happy I'm no longer a barista.

and with this, I've taken up another few moments of the witching hours where everyone is asleep
(but me)

Buona Notte, Sogni d'Oro- Maureen