Poem about my experience with Chronic Pain

Sharing something I wrote a few years ago to express my experience with chronic pain
——-*

Description a failed prescription
A long ass poem about
Living with chronic pain
By: Maureen BZ
October 2016.

MBZ 2020

~
Hello...
I'm not glaring at you
Or staring . I'm just
Trying
To hold it together
And not crumble or shout.
Not always successful

But there's a reason
For this epic case
Of
Resting
Bitch
Face

You can't really see
I carry evil in me

And it's not a Goth phase.

(I had that LONG ago)

I'm
Not a witch
But Absolutely a Bitch...because
I live with
Ever present
Every day
Every moment

Chronic pain

how does it feel?
to be in
constant
Intractable
searing pain?

These days?
With the opioid witch hunt?

It's like ....
having someone constantly stabbing you with an electrified glass needleblade
while shrieking at a rancid pitch,

all the while

being pointed at by
lipsticksmear judgy- judges
(who don't know their fingertips from their kneecaps)
And in the center of this,
holding the KNOWLEDGE
Deep down in your pelvic floor

That one of these days
With no foreshadow
 (With much foreboding)

Those shitty chemicals that
Keep you from writhing
In agony (not ecstasy)

Could most certainly become
INSTANTLY FORBIDDEN
And your now habituated cells would screech
and howl
whilst hurling ITS
Angry CLAWS
Towards your shoulder

(at least That's
what you imagine...
On a good day...
When you can still
make your thoughts
like magic school bus cartoons
In your fog addled head)

And you stick THAT upon
The always already already there
Little
screaming
 needleblade stabbing electrified cunt that never
shuts the floop up...
Sitting on your shoulder
Stabbing and screeching
Screeching and stabbing

All night long raaaaaaaah
Stab stab stab
All day long rheeeeeeee
Stab stab stab
During Breakfast Lunch Dinner
Snacks
Brunch...
Stab stab stab

And the hissing!
Oh the hissing.

With friends family and strangers
Just trying to help
Truly, they try. I get it, it's hard watching suffering.
And honestly I'm grateful for
The support but if I have to
Explain
And list all of the things I've already tried
Again....
I may go stark maving rad.

I'm thinking of making postcards explaining what things I've already tried....
Maybe you just need to go to get
Accupuncture?
Pug leese!
That's Baby stuff

Or else it's
A massage
A glass of wine
One of those wonderbras
This new therapy
This old therapy
Aqua aerobics
Tungsten
This book of spells
That type of arnica
CBD
THC
LSD
LMNOP

An IV
of pond algae
A thousand bee stings
A shrink With Wings
Eat only blue things

Some new kind of kick
Smoking grass on a stick
Another blood prick
Did I mention I'm sick?

(Could not resist)
A wedge pillow
A back brace
Yeah that didn't work either

How about:
Some math?
Two dozen needles filled with
5mg glucose In
24 gauge needles puncturing
3.5 mm into my back
making
9 millimeter diameter
Beady glucose pellets
Spattered across my back
or was it three dozen?
Three times a week
Which added up to....
Zero. Niente
But OMFG was ex
Pen
Sive!

You'll feel better when you take
This supplement
When you do
This stretch
When you move into

A new house
(But not too new...
Off gassing, you know.)

New shoes will always help.
New shoes will always help.
New shoes it's my grandfathers ghost, selling me shoes from
The dead?
Ok, that must be my DNA
Cause I've had that tested too.
I already knew
That I am from shoe people
Beside the point

I digress...
It's a coping habit...
I'm talking myself off the ledge
No you don't want to crash
The car into a tree...
Can't imagine being that selfish
Could never hurt my family
My loves
because I'm feeling cowardly toward the pain.
(The tree thing is not an option)

Oh. I try not to claim it-
It's not mine, I don't want it.
It is THE
( muthafukkin) PAIN.

And yeah
I'm Sick
Sick of having episodes
Of panic
Fear that it will be harder than it
Already is
Because I'm not sure
I will be able to handle the pain unmasked.

But...
I feel like I have to face it
Head on.
Say, hello Pain. Howdy do.
I feel like I already know you
I do.
And let's just bet
That fucker pain
Will be an ugly piece of shiz

That I will have to learn to accept
I just hope to hell
It doesn't break me.
~~~~
MBZ


NOTE: this was originally written in 2016, just before I found a shoulder Dr who eventually agreed to do exploratory laparoscopic surgery to be certain that the multiple MRIs, exams and tests Had not missed anything that would cause pain.He was “98% certain “ that he would go into the shoulder and find nothing. THANKFULLY that 2% did the trick... my shoulder in fact was so severely shredded that it wasn’t showing up on anything- but in the end, I had a shredded bicep tendon with complex nerve entrapment. It took the surgeon TEN MINUTES to fix.after I had endured EIGHT YEARS of constant searing pain!
It has been almost three years since I had my shoulder surgery. While I’m still dealing with chronic pain, it has been greatly reduced. About a year and a half ago I even was able to return to the stable and start riding again! ( it’s been a Godsend!)
There is hope. Tomorrow is another start.
Best wishes - Maureen BZ

Chronic pain and depression

I've got to fight the depression that is presently trying to invade my head. It is very hard to remain positive when I am having constant intense pain every waking moment.
 I've dealt with depression before- and know that it can really take a hold on me- making life more miserable than anything. I really don't want to go there.
So- I'm scaling back on some things- trying to type less and rest my hands more (I have numbness and pain in both hands these days....constantly) I will be doing more artwork and less production jewelery. My time has become more precious.
And I have to cut this post short because my hands are going numb while typing. Once numbness kicks in the pain starts to descend...
It's a terrible cycle- I'm going to break it! It cannot break me!
don't worry, I will slay this Dragon
Peace, Love and Gratitude- Maureen

update on the Wheat free

So it's been a few weeks now that I have been wheat free (mostly- I cheat with black licorice, which to me is a staple food and it has some sort of wheat product in it, but not like it's a dinner roll)

I honestly can say that going off wheat has been much easier than I had anticipated- My biggest worry was my Italian husband, who is a total bread fanatic. I mean completely over and above bread love, it's become obsession. Thankfully, we have Barrio Bread co. here in Tucson so we can pick out our favorite loaves every Wednesday at Cosmo's school (Yay Waldorf!) Anyhoo- that's completely off point....well, not completely, but note that Guido + Bread = LOVE.

So- the Wheat free lifestyle, well, it started with a trip to Trader Joes. I went to my fave TJ's (we are spoiled with multiple Trader Joes here in Tucson) and I bought a whole bunch of gluten free/wheat free items. A few of my friends were working there that day so I got lots of helpful suggestions. (thanks guys) I bought corn pastas, Udi bread, lots of fruits and veggies and gluten free cereal (Barbara's Puffins).

I already eat a very good diet full of most of the things I've mentioned, so it was no stretch for me to simply substitute bread, cereal and cookies (like I need any cookies!). I noticed the lack of dietary "glue" sticking things together... the bread had a good flavor, nothing compared to Barrio bread, but passable for toast and sandwiches. The pasta was OK- we tried a much better gluten free pasta made from Quinoa...oh, and I found out that I like Quinoa now! Other than the substitutions I was all set. Once I figured out that I could eat popsicles and kettle corn everything was A- OK!

Oh, I will admit I DO miss very much my Bob's Red Mill musli- (one thing that is certain to be re-introduced asap). But other than that I'm fine.

What? How do I feel? Oh, yeah, that IS pretty important. You can figure from my writing that I'm in a good mood today- really good, actually. I still have my pain, nothing really has changed on that part- but I feel Deflated. I HATE feeling full, so I eat just until I am satisfied...but always would feel puffy and kind of pushed around by my food.
I notice a calm- I feel simply fine- the medicines are doing their jobs, as long as I remember to take them in time, and I am waking up feeling rested in the mornings (something I've NEVER experienced before!) My insomnia is still showing up every once in a while- I've been sleeping on the couch much less lately.

that's pretty much it for my update- I'm sure there are more things I will remember but my hands are hurting and I need to stop typing!
Ciao for now- Maureen

Wheat free? Me?

After having 2 years of intense chronic pain (and going through a myriad of painful treatments and surgery) my Dr finally told me to try wheat free.
OK, I'll fess up- She HAD mentioned it before, a few times but I resisted mostly I thought it would be difficult (as I am married to a real life in the flesh Florentine Italian who is truly in love with his pasta and bread...and is thin as a rail at 50 years old) Plus she hadn't really told me to do it- she had just suggested.
Honestly, I am very diet resistant due to my lifetime of always being a bit on the pudgy side (unless I was starving myself, like one year in High School that I actually became skeletal and sick) At 5'1" a pound doesn't have many places to hide- Over the years I had pretty much resigned myself to thinking that unless I really suffered and dieted I was always going to be shaped like a Pug, never a Whippet.
Well, back to the Wheat free- I am so desperate to feel better that I've decided to really give wheat free a good try. I stopped eating wheat since the moment my Dr told me I should (about 8 days ago)
And I'm honestly surprised at how easy this shift has been for me.
I think having a few friends who have wheat allergies/Celiac disease Does help me. I have for years kept mental notes about new gluten free stuff I see and now (that I have my nifty Iphone) I often will shoot them a photo of a great gluten free Menu. I have in effect already done my shopping.
AND I've done my shopping. First day ASAP I went to Trader Joes and did a Gluten free shopping trip. Piece O'(gluten free) cake! My friends had told me about the "only good Gluten free bread out there" Udi's bread (it's not bad!) and I found many other good alternatives- for Cereal and pasta too.

I have always had a terrible time waking up- I would fall back to sleep in a second- deep in a hazy waking slumber. But today I woke a full hour before my early morning alarm- with a refreshed feeling that I don't ever recall having in the morning. EVER! Oh, and then I went about my day on MINIMAL pain medications (until 5 pm when the day's activities took their toll). Do I think it was because of the lack of wheat? Honestly, I'm too much of a cynic to jump on the bandwagon so soon...but I'm cautiously optimistic about this change in diet. Oh, and if I start losing my pudge? I would be OH SO SOLD on a wheat free future.
Stay tuned- I'll surely revisit this topic again in the near future. Meanwhile, I will be reading a new book that I just bought on the interwebs: "Wheat Belly" by Dr William Davis . I'll do a review once I've read it. (warning: I am a slow reader- I like to savor and digest what is written. For current reviews you can check the book's Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/Wheat-Belly-Lose-Weight-Health/dp/1609611543 )

another MRI

Well, I'm back from the SNAG conference in Phoenix, (which was amazing) and am faced with a long hot summer.

Tucson reached 107 today- a cloudless sky, hazy with smoke from nearby wildfires.
It's a day when motorists know the rules have changed...we notice our fellow drivers with their windows down and know that they are driving without air conditioning.
Summer in Tucson rule #1- Cars without a/c get the right of way.

I was driving around town today - dropping Cosmo off at his performing arts camp, going to starbucks, driving to the pain institute- noticing the desolate landscape of pre-monsoon desert. Dusty, searing, sparse.

At the pain institute I am a new patient. After a short exam and discussion the latest theory on the origins of my pain is that I have ruptured another disc or two in my neck. My insurance company is going to be so thrilled to see that they have requested another MRI- this time a post surgery MRI on my neck.
This means that I will not be able to go ANYWHERE this summer and beyond- until we get to the bottom of this dismal chapter in my life.
yee haw.
:-p I'm earning my way to a nice vacation after this is all done. Maybe I'll come to see you? LOL you never know when a shrimpy metalsmith will come knocking at your door.....
ciao- M

Tucson, we have a problem

well, I have a problem. This past year I've been struggling with pain issues due to a couple of ruptured discs in my neck. It has forced me to rein in my activities some, and I've dropped a few projects (Box a Month was one casualty).
At this point I've done everything non surgical to try to get relief from the pain that is coming from a pinched nerve(s) on my left side. It has made my left arm numb and increasingly painful. After exhausting all other therapies it is evident that I either live with constant nauseating pain or I go under the knife for a discectomy.

my "good side"

I have an appointment with a pain specialist this week, and surgery scheduled for early December (which may get moved up if they can't find a way to make me somewhat comfortable between now and then)
I just wanted to let you know what was going on- I know I haven't been posting much on my blogs lately, and this is the reason why.
I'll be fine I'm sure- but until then- I've got to rest and take care of myself so I can be a good mom for my sweet kiddo.
ciao- Maureen the ruptured disc queen