Pain with a side of Crabby patties

Rant..
How I wish that I knew why I am still in pain.
The Back story
It's been 2 1/2 years now  since my arm started throbbing- and then lost feeling. oh, followed by acid glass fire stabbing PAIN in my neck like I can't believe. poke poke stab....
WTF was that? that was 2 ruptured discs. Had the surgery. (Dec 2011) "double discectomy surgical fusion".
I went out of my way to find the "#1 neurosurgeon for neck issues"- you know, laid out all my info- waited an extra 3 months just to get an appointment then waited another 2 months to get on the surgical schedule.  I went to that day like a bride to the alter- nervous, yes, but also very eager to have it finally done, so I could start my life (Pain free!!) and be the Maureen that I know myself to be, when I'm not distracted by this poke poke stab stab of acid glass knife pain.

Woke to a "Successful"surgery declaration. X rays looked great, Doc was happy, sent me home, no brace, no pt, just a bottle of pills and an order to come to see him in a week. OK. So I just decided right there something was a bit...casual.
I bought a soft collar (to make myself feel more secure) and once I felt up to it called the Surgeon and asked if I could try PT- his response was a bland, "well, if you think you want to..." (and I thought, "what, think I want to have feeling back in my arm, or be able to turn my head, or not be in pain MotherF8cker??!!")OY. Now I knew the doc had some talent for cutting, but the bedside manner thingy? Nope, that part was missing. It was all I could do not to start screaming at him about how badly I was feeling- in front of all of his patients-- I know my temper can get red hot so I stopped before I got going- I did NOT want to get an assault charge!

Fast forward, 1 1/2 years later--->
Thankfully, my MRIs look good, the Drs (I've been to many more at this point) have all ruled out fibro/RSD (my sister has that terrible disease)
I am just struggling. I remind myself to take care of myself, to embrace my creative spirit and continue to create. I envision Frida Khalo in her full body cast, painting in bed. I understand why she did what she did. How can you suppress your spirit when your body is just a cage? Yes, you have to take care of the cage-I remind myself to stop and nap- sometimes (like today) I stay in bed all day to catch up on sleep that eludes me during the pain filled nights. You do what you can. there is no escape. what does it mean to have chronic pain? I live with constant (nothing has to happen for the pain to be triggered) grade 7-9 pain daily from wake to final embattled sleep (which doesn't come for days in a row) EVEN while on major narcotics- patches- EVEN acupuncture- EVEN Physical Therapy- Massage, etc etc..can't a gal catch a break? nope

To all my friends who are living with chronic pain-
How about you? did you go through hell and high water to get a diagnosis? or is this just the way it goes- we sit in limbo, scared to death about all of the news reports about pain killer overdoses and deaths.. scared that our lives will never be "normal" again? Oh, then we have to find peace with that onerous term, "the new normal"  UGH! I guess I ate some crabby patties today, but man, this sh*t is getting old!

thanks for all of your support-
for this, I am so grateful
ciao- Maureen

another MRI

Well, I'm back from the SNAG conference in Phoenix, (which was amazing) and am faced with a long hot summer.

Tucson reached 107 today- a cloudless sky, hazy with smoke from nearby wildfires.
It's a day when motorists know the rules have changed...we notice our fellow drivers with their windows down and know that they are driving without air conditioning.
Summer in Tucson rule #1- Cars without a/c get the right of way.

I was driving around town today - dropping Cosmo off at his performing arts camp, going to starbucks, driving to the pain institute- noticing the desolate landscape of pre-monsoon desert. Dusty, searing, sparse.

At the pain institute I am a new patient. After a short exam and discussion the latest theory on the origins of my pain is that I have ruptured another disc or two in my neck. My insurance company is going to be so thrilled to see that they have requested another MRI- this time a post surgery MRI on my neck.
This means that I will not be able to go ANYWHERE this summer and beyond- until we get to the bottom of this dismal chapter in my life.
yee haw.
:-p I'm earning my way to a nice vacation after this is all done. Maybe I'll come to see you? LOL you never know when a shrimpy metalsmith will come knocking at your door.....
ciao- M

P. I. T. N.

OK, I just have to say, this adventure with chronic pain is kicking my ass. Ironically, it's not a pain in the ass that I have-- it is (literally) a pain in the neck.

Theory is that I must have started the neck damage as a little pixie- I must have knocked my neck out of alignment when falling off the sneaky little ponies that I clung to  while learning how to negotiate cavaletti and crossrails (it's a horse thing, poles on the ground and a little jump)

I had spinal surgery Dec 8- to repair the damaged discs and cluttered vertebrae that have been plaguing my well being for many years now.  I was under the impression that this was a much faster healing surgery than it now seems like it will be. I'm miffed. I really feel lied to- I was told that I'd be 5-6 weeks tops out of regular activity, then I could play tennis or whatever. Well, don't laugh, I do actually play tennis- (I suck getting to the ball on time, but have a pretty good backhand)

I digress.. So, it's now almost 2 full months past surgery and I'm STILL in more pain than before the surgery. I'm getting a taste of living with chronic pain. and it ain't purty.

The worst is at night- when you are just there alone with your thoughts, trying to fall asleep..... and then reeee reee kreee kerreeeeek! your shoulder starts zinging and your arm shoots with electric pulses from shoddy pinched and frayed nerves. It's like that mosquito in the cabin, or the drip drip drip of the faucet... it's crazy making. And it keeps you awake.





So, you lay there thinking, "hmm, is this just a temporary pain, will it go away?" and "is this really that bad? (why am I tensing up so much?)" which ultimately leads to " I probably need to take some pain meds- get ahead of the pain....but, do I really need to?"

this conversation goes on and on, you get up...walk to kitchen, have water- get ice pack- back to bed, icepack in your neckbrace, oh that feels better, I bet I fall asleep now.....ok, sleep time, get the right pillow, move the dog over, pull up blankets... shhhhhhhh.......


reee reee reeeh hkerrreek kreee......

Oy vey.
This really is a pain in the neck.

I'm laughing, otherwise I'd cry. Thankfully, my family is really supportive, and I don't have to go work for anyone else (though I've had to cut down on the goldsmithing for hire jobs for now) I can't imagine having to deal with this AND try to hold down a 9-5 job. Don't get me wrong- I'm still working daily in my studio and office- but I make the rules, #1 being that I call the shots, and if there is a day when I need to goof off, I goof off. Oh, and if I had to deal with the general public everyday I think I'd be the nastiest bitch on the face of the earth. (count your lucky stars)

So- in summary...
Ponies are sneaky.
Surgeons lie *cough* stretch the truth re: recovery rates.
Yeah, I play tennis and I'm 5'1"and no, you really don't want me as your doubles partner.
Chronic pain is butt ugly.
and annoying, especially at night.
Your thoughts go to 11 when you are contemplating sleep strategies while in a bout of insomnia.
Nerve pain feels like electric shards and aching rivers of green sludge.
You should be happy I'm no longer a barista.

and with this, I've taken up another few moments of the witching hours where everyone is asleep
(but me)

Buona Notte, Sogni d'Oro- Maureen