Sharing something I wrote a few years ago to express my experience with chronic pain
——-*
Description a failed prescription
A long ass poem about
Living with chronic pain
By: Maureen BZ
October 2016.
 |
| MBZ 2020 |
~
Hello...
I'm not glaring at you
Or staring . I'm just
Trying
To hold it together
And not crumble or shout.
Not always successful
But there's a reason
For this epic case
Of
Resting
Bitch
Face
You can't really see
I carry evil in me
And it's not a Goth phase.
(I had that LONG ago)
I'm
Not a witch
But Absolutely a Bitch...because
I live with
Ever present
Every day
Every moment
Chronic pain
how does it feel?
to be in
constant
Intractable
searing pain?
These days?
With the opioid witch hunt?
It's like ....
having someone constantly stabbing you with an electrified glass needleblade
while shrieking at a rancid pitch,
all the while
being pointed at by
lipsticksmear judgy- judges
(who don't know their fingertips from their kneecaps)
And in the center of this,
holding the KNOWLEDGE
Deep down in your pelvic floor
That one of these days
With no foreshadow
(With much foreboding)
Those shitty chemicals that
Keep you from writhing
In agony (not ecstasy)
Could most certainly become
INSTANTLY FORBIDDEN
And your now habituated cells would screech
and howl
whilst hurling ITS
Angry CLAWS
Towards your shoulder
(at least That's
what you imagine...
On a good day...
When you can still
make your thoughts
like magic school bus cartoons
In your fog addled head)
And you stick THAT upon
The always already already there
Little
screaming
needleblade stabbing electrified cunt that never
shuts the floop up...
Sitting on your shoulder
Stabbing and screeching
Screeching and stabbing
All night long raaaaaaaah
Stab stab stab
All day long rheeeeeeee
Stab stab stab
During Breakfast Lunch Dinner
Snacks
Brunch...
Stab stab stab
And the hissing!
Oh the hissing.
With friends family and strangers
Just trying to help
Truly, they try. I get it, it's hard watching suffering.
And honestly I'm grateful for
The support but if I have to
Explain
And list all of the things I've already tried
Again....
I may go stark maving rad.
I'm thinking of making postcards explaining what things I've already tried....
Maybe you just need to go to get
Accupuncture?
Pug leese!
That's Baby stuff
Or else it's
A massage
A glass of wine
One of those wonderbras
This new therapy
This old therapy
Aqua aerobics
Tungsten
This book of spells
That type of arnica
CBD
THC
LSD
LMNOP
An IV
of pond algae
A thousand bee stings
A shrink With Wings
Eat only blue things
Some new kind of kick
Smoking grass on a stick
Another blood prick
Did I mention I'm sick?
(Could not resist)
A wedge pillow
A back brace
Yeah that didn't work either
How about:
Some math?
Two dozen needles filled with
5mg glucose In
24 gauge needles puncturing
3.5 mm into my back
making
9 millimeter diameter
Beady glucose pellets
Spattered across my back
or was it three dozen?
Three times a week
Which added up to....
Zero. Niente
But OMFG was ex
Pen
Sive!
You'll feel better when you take
This supplement
When you do
This stretch
When you move into
A new house
(But not too new...
Off gassing, you know.)
New shoes will always help.
New shoes will always help.
New shoes it's my grandfathers ghost, selling me shoes from
The dead?
Ok, that must be my DNA
Cause I've had that tested too.
I already knew
That I am from shoe people
Beside the point
I digress...
It's a coping habit...
I'm talking myself off the ledge
No you don't want to crash
The car into a tree...
Can't imagine being that selfish
Could never hurt my family
My loves
because I'm feeling cowardly toward the pain.
(The tree thing is not an option)
Oh. I try not to claim it-
It's not mine, I don't want it.
It is THE
( muthafukkin) PAIN.
And yeah
I'm Sick
Sick of having episodes
Of panic
Fear that it will be harder than it
Already is
Because I'm not sure
I will be able to handle the pain unmasked.
But...
I feel like I have to face it
Head on.
Say, hello Pain. Howdy do.
I feel like I already know you
I do.
And let's just bet
That fucker pain
Will be an ugly piece of shiz
That I will have to learn to accept
I just hope to hell
It doesn't break me.
~~~~
MBZ
NOTE: this was originally written in 2016, just before I found a shoulder Dr who eventually agreed to do exploratory laparoscopic surgery to be certain that the multiple MRIs, exams and tests Had not missed anything that would cause pain.He was “98% certain “ that he would go into the shoulder and find nothing. THANKFULLY that 2% did the trick... my shoulder in fact was so severely shredded that it wasn’t showing up on anything- but in the end, I had a shredded bicep tendon with complex nerve entrapment. It took the surgeon TEN MINUTES to fix.after I had endured EIGHT YEARS of constant searing pain!
It has been almost three years since I had my shoulder surgery. While I’m still dealing with chronic pain, it has been greatly reduced. About a year and a half ago I even was able to return to the stable and start riding again! ( it’s been a Godsend!)
There is hope. Tomorrow is another start.
Best wishes - Maureen BZ
