Poem about my experience with Chronic Pain

Sharing something I wrote a few years ago to express my experience with chronic pain
——-*

Description a failed prescription
A long ass poem about
Living with chronic pain
By: Maureen BZ
October 2016.

MBZ 2020

~
Hello...
I'm not glaring at you
Or staring . I'm just
Trying
To hold it together
And not crumble or shout.
Not always successful

But there's a reason
For this epic case
Of
Resting
Bitch
Face

You can't really see
I carry evil in me

And it's not a Goth phase.

(I had that LONG ago)

I'm
Not a witch
But Absolutely a Bitch...because
I live with
Ever present
Every day
Every moment

Chronic pain

how does it feel?
to be in
constant
Intractable
searing pain?

These days?
With the opioid witch hunt?

It's like ....
having someone constantly stabbing you with an electrified glass needleblade
while shrieking at a rancid pitch,

all the while

being pointed at by
lipsticksmear judgy- judges
(who don't know their fingertips from their kneecaps)
And in the center of this,
holding the KNOWLEDGE
Deep down in your pelvic floor

That one of these days
With no foreshadow
 (With much foreboding)

Those shitty chemicals that
Keep you from writhing
In agony (not ecstasy)

Could most certainly become
INSTANTLY FORBIDDEN
And your now habituated cells would screech
and howl
whilst hurling ITS
Angry CLAWS
Towards your shoulder

(at least That's
what you imagine...
On a good day...
When you can still
make your thoughts
like magic school bus cartoons
In your fog addled head)

And you stick THAT upon
The always already already there
Little
screaming
 needleblade stabbing electrified cunt that never
shuts the floop up...
Sitting on your shoulder
Stabbing and screeching
Screeching and stabbing

All night long raaaaaaaah
Stab stab stab
All day long rheeeeeeee
Stab stab stab
During Breakfast Lunch Dinner
Snacks
Brunch...
Stab stab stab

And the hissing!
Oh the hissing.

With friends family and strangers
Just trying to help
Truly, they try. I get it, it's hard watching suffering.
And honestly I'm grateful for
The support but if I have to
Explain
And list all of the things I've already tried
Again....
I may go stark maving rad.

I'm thinking of making postcards explaining what things I've already tried....
Maybe you just need to go to get
Accupuncture?
Pug leese!
That's Baby stuff

Or else it's
A massage
A glass of wine
One of those wonderbras
This new therapy
This old therapy
Aqua aerobics
Tungsten
This book of spells
That type of arnica
CBD
THC
LSD
LMNOP

An IV
of pond algae
A thousand bee stings
A shrink With Wings
Eat only blue things

Some new kind of kick
Smoking grass on a stick
Another blood prick
Did I mention I'm sick?

(Could not resist)
A wedge pillow
A back brace
Yeah that didn't work either

How about:
Some math?
Two dozen needles filled with
5mg glucose In
24 gauge needles puncturing
3.5 mm into my back
making
9 millimeter diameter
Beady glucose pellets
Spattered across my back
or was it three dozen?
Three times a week
Which added up to....
Zero. Niente
But OMFG was ex
Pen
Sive!

You'll feel better when you take
This supplement
When you do
This stretch
When you move into

A new house
(But not too new...
Off gassing, you know.)

New shoes will always help.
New shoes will always help.
New shoes it's my grandfathers ghost, selling me shoes from
The dead?
Ok, that must be my DNA
Cause I've had that tested too.
I already knew
That I am from shoe people
Beside the point

I digress...
It's a coping habit...
I'm talking myself off the ledge
No you don't want to crash
The car into a tree...
Can't imagine being that selfish
Could never hurt my family
My loves
because I'm feeling cowardly toward the pain.
(The tree thing is not an option)

Oh. I try not to claim it-
It's not mine, I don't want it.
It is THE
( muthafukkin) PAIN.

And yeah
I'm Sick
Sick of having episodes
Of panic
Fear that it will be harder than it
Already is
Because I'm not sure
I will be able to handle the pain unmasked.

But...
I feel like I have to face it
Head on.
Say, hello Pain. Howdy do.
I feel like I already know you
I do.
And let's just bet
That fucker pain
Will be an ugly piece of shiz

That I will have to learn to accept
I just hope to hell
It doesn't break me.
~~~~
MBZ


NOTE: this was originally written in 2016, just before I found a shoulder Dr who eventually agreed to do exploratory laparoscopic surgery to be certain that the multiple MRIs, exams and tests Had not missed anything that would cause pain.He was “98% certain “ that he would go into the shoulder and find nothing. THANKFULLY that 2% did the trick... my shoulder in fact was so severely shredded that it wasn’t showing up on anything- but in the end, I had a shredded bicep tendon with complex nerve entrapment. It took the surgeon TEN MINUTES to fix.after I had endured EIGHT YEARS of constant searing pain!
It has been almost three years since I had my shoulder surgery. While I’m still dealing with chronic pain, it has been greatly reduced. About a year and a half ago I even was able to return to the stable and start riding again! ( it’s been a Godsend!)
There is hope. Tomorrow is another start.
Best wishes - Maureen BZ

Eating the ring of fire

Food sensitivity is no joke! Since Saturday night I’ve been recovering from accidentally eating a spicy bite of food (after I explicitly told the waiter that I had an allergy and to not put that spice on my dish).

 Every now and then it happens, I make the mistake of eating something at a pot luck without asking for ingredients, a waiter doesn’t take me seriously and/or the restaurant simply removes the offending food from already cooked meal (which BTW can often be justas bad of a reaction if not worse because you don’t see the spice/offender). 

I  approach the reality that I can no longer trust new restaurants, or worse- potlucks with no recipes attached to the dish...

For me, it’s chili peppers/nightshade sensitivities. I can tell if it’s a problem within one tiny nibble: one bite, and my digestive system swells like a puffer fish and burns like fire. One bite, and it’s pain for a week or more (even with my rescue antihistamines and supplemental enzymes)

I live in Tucson, lauded for having some of the best Mexican restaurants around and I can no longer eat Mexican food at all. 

While I lost an entire week in bed, in pain...(better now with my antihistamines and almost no food for the past few days)I’m reminded of how horrible it can be (thankfully it doesn’t put me in the hospital with anaphylaxis)and how careful I have to be...no matter how delicious it smells. It’s a hard lesson to learn, because it’s something I’ve learned to avoid - so the episodes are infrequent but very painful. I’m writing this down now to further remind myself that politely eating anything that is offered is just not worth the risk

I’m no longer willing to risk losing any more time from a single bite.

Art/Horse finding balance

I must admit, my Art must share my passion. It’s ok. I’ve come to terms with the challenge of balancing passions...I had to.Having chronic health issues has forced me to take a good look at how I spend my time. It’s always been a tug of war between Art and Horses. ( I know I’m not alone in this... many riders are also artistic and vice versa)

I was #horsecrazy from the moment I first knew what a horse was, I cherish my horse time. I think my parents finally bought me my first pony just to have some peace and quiet and not always have me pleading to go to the stable, go on a trail ride. 

Who could resist this face?

In my opinion We needed a horse in our family in the most desperate way!

 I mean, I gave them plenty of opportunities too...( for one, I always “took a nap” on my BD to give them the time to sneak a horse into the yard while I wasn’t looking... etc) 

I had to take a break from riding and horses after having a life threatening medical emergency which almost killed me. Having a near death experience is a powerful thing which really puts life in perspective. You take stock. You know mortality. Taking stock of my life as I recovered, I knew I had to hang up my saddle for a while- I was spending so much time at the stable that I wasn’t able to even THINK about my artwork. 

In the end, my artwork won. I knew I would never have a chance at a horse career- I’m a good rider but not talented enough to be able to make it into a career, plus I didn’t have the funds to start a riding school. Art was another story. I do have “the right stuff” to make a career, and so that’s what I ultimately chose.

So, for 20 years, my art had my “full” attention. But not all of my heart. Something was always missing, and it wasn’t hard to figure out what it was. I had a horse shaped hole in my heart. 

Last November, when I found the new barn I’m riding at the hole started getting filled again. And with each week, I’m regaining my fitness and skills. I always have something to look forward to as well. 

My husband is preparing for the inevitable... and I’m trying to be practical and patient. I’m not sure if I want the responsibility of owning another horse, but a half lease may be in my future...

Just be prepared for more horse posts in the future 



 #horseloverforever #beggingfortreats #horsesofinstagram #sweethorse #hellosweetie #boop #velvetsoft #carrotlover #backinthesaddleagain

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream....

I’ve been having some interesting dreams this week...and I thought I’d write them down to remember.

3 nights ago I dreamt that I found a turtle in my front yard...I looked up turtle dream and it seems to most often refer to protection, fortification... I noted it because I don’t remember ever dreaming about turtles before. (Whales and horses I dream about all the time but turtles, no)

Honestly, I think the turtle was simply from a post I had read that day about a lost tortoise in my neighborhood... I’ve been surprised at how desert tortoises seem to be popular pets in my central Tucson neighborhood. (Years ago there was a guy who would take his tortoise out for a daily walk in downtown Tucson...it’s that kind of flavor that makes me love this hot and funky city

and last night I had a vivid dream of being in a new house in a 2nd floor room with two antique casement windows- (another protective fortification)

the window in front of me was open, and it looked out to a sunny lawn...there were pieces of my silver jewelry on the windowsill. (I interpreted that to mean that the work was open and available to the outside/ the world)

the window to the left was closed....I noticed that it was fortified with iron bars which framed the obviously antique glass panes (you know how old glass can be wavy and distorted, and 
have an extra fragile feel?) 

This closed window looked out over a lake, which was getting agitated with choppy whitecaps....as I watched, a series of large waves came towards the window, like tidal waves, rising up to the second floor and crashing into the closed window, which I was surprised didn’t break. 

The giant waves continued but I knew I was protected, so I watched the brown lake water wash over the glass with peaceful fascination.

And then I woke up. Another hot, sunny day in Tucson. No lake for many miles. My waking reality. 

But what about my dreaming reality? Is it less important? Or is it simply differently important? I choose the latter...

I’m fascinated by dreams- we spend approximately 1/3 of our lives asleep, so I think it’s a mistake to disregard that big chunk of our thoughts. 

The human brain is still such a mystery, and it’s something that my brain is interested in...which is kind of narcissistic if you think about it....and then when you think about that, is it you that’s thinking, or the brain? 

Oh, it’s a confoundingly humorous riddle....

The Goods on Tucson

I've been living in Tucson since 1993 (with a break from 1997-2000 when we lived in Florence Italy, my husband's hometown)

the center of Florentine life: the Duomo

I guess the biggest compliment I can give is to say that we moved back to Tucson, from Florence Italy willingly... seriously, we chose to move back to Tucson from Italy. WHY?

I'm not crazy....Tucson and Florence are vastly different for many things, but for ease of living, Tucson has the win. Florence is absolutely stunning and filled with life, it was really hard to live there, day to day ( without the typical big family support that many Italians live with- that not only help emotionally but also directly plugging one into the sea of social and economic possibilities) FIRENZE does NOT do convenient.

Tucson City Hall

Tucson is really easy to live in: the houses have big lots of land for gardening, we always have a parking space (a massive plus for any urban area) and with the internet and our small but mighty airport we have access to really, anything.

Tucson is artistic: so many great murals! The public art! The galleries! Open studios almost every weekend! Festivals! Workshops! I'm a Jeweler, so the giant collection of Gem Shows are incredibly enriching (as long as I can resist spending too much at the shows....believe me, it's tempting!) And of course, I can't forget the tremendous All Souls Procession ( the first weekend of November)

Politically, it fits me.
Tucson is BLUE and Funky.  It's comforting to me that we don't live in the BIG RED parts of this state. I appreciate not being surrounded in traffic by giant Luxury SUVs filled with blonde Barbies and Kens with their 2.4 giant athletic kids, pedigree dog and Tr@mp bumper stickers. They are alien to me.

Nope, in Tucson (aka the Olde Pueblo) I'm more likely to be driving by moms / dads on their customized bikes, heading to drop off at school (or the slightly ramshackle yet beloved Tucson racquet club). People who don't care that I choose to sport funky colored hair. Their kids with impressive personalities busy with unusual hobbies ... hybrid rescue dogs in the back seat of dusty, slightly dented Subarus with a lime green "Be Kind" bumper sticker from our Ben's Bells Kindness project.

I do believe we will probably move back to Italy to retire ( who wouldn't want to do that?!) but- at least until the kid graduates High school- Tucson will remain our beloved dusty desert home.
Pass the sunscreen 😜