How I wish that I knew why I am still in pain.
The Back story
It's been 2 1/2 years now since my arm started throbbing- and then lost feeling. oh, followed by acid glass fire stabbing PAIN in my neck like I can't believe. poke poke stab....
WTF was that? that was 2 ruptured discs. Had the surgery. (Dec 2011) "double discectomy surgical fusion".
I went out of my way to find the "#1 neurosurgeon for neck issues"- you know, laid out all my info- waited an extra 3 months just to get an appointment then waited another 2 months to get on the surgical schedule. I went to that day like a bride to the alter- nervous, yes, but also very eager to have it finally done, so I could start my life (Pain free!!) and be the Maureen that I know myself to be, when I'm not distracted by this poke poke stab stab of acid glass knife pain.
Woke to a "Successful"surgery declaration. X rays looked great, Doc was happy, sent me home, no brace, no pt, just a bottle of pills and an order to come to see him in a week. OK. So I just decided right there something was a bit...casual.
I bought a soft collar (to make myself feel more secure) and once I felt up to it called the Surgeon and asked if I could try PT- his response was a bland, "well, if you think you want to..." (and I thought, "what, think I want to have feeling back in my arm, or be able to turn my head, or not be in pain MotherF8cker??!!")OY. Now I knew the doc had some talent for cutting, but the bedside manner thingy? Nope, that part was missing. It was all I could do not to start screaming at him about how badly I was feeling- in front of all of his patients-- I know my temper can get red hot so I stopped before I got going- I did NOT want to get an assault charge!
Fast forward, 1 1/2 years later--->
Thankfully, my MRIs look good, the Drs (I've been to many more at this point) have all ruled out fibro/RSD (my sister has that terrible disease)
I am just struggling. I remind myself to take care of myself, to embrace my creative spirit and continue to create. I envision Frida Khalo in her full body cast, painting in bed. I understand why she did what she did. How can you suppress your spirit when your body is just a cage? Yes, you have to take care of the cage-I remind myself to stop and nap- sometimes (like today) I stay in bed all day to catch up on sleep that eludes me during the pain filled nights. You do what you can. there is no escape. what does it mean to have chronic pain? I live with constant (nothing has to happen for the pain to be triggered) grade 7-9 pain daily from wake to final embattled sleep (which doesn't come for days in a row) EVEN while on major narcotics- patches- EVEN acupuncture- EVEN Physical Therapy- Massage, etc etc..can't a gal catch a break? nope
To all my friends who are living with chronic pain-
How about you? did you go through hell and high water to get a diagnosis? or is this just the way it goes- we sit in limbo, scared to death about all of the news reports about pain killer overdoses and deaths.. scared that our lives will never be "normal" again? Oh, then we have to find peace with that onerous term, "the new normal" UGH! I guess I ate some crabby patties today, but man, this sh*t is getting old!
thanks for all of your support-
for this, I am so grateful